Dear Meg,
Thank you for submitting your breasts to our evening last night. Your cleavage has been carefully considered, but unfortunately I’ve decided not to explore further. That said, remember that I am a fan of women in general; my tastes, biases, and opinions are just tastes, biases, and opinions. I reject women for many reasons: they don’t fit the tone of the season, they don’t balance physically, or (because we strive for diversity) they are enjoyable but too similar to other women.
Dear Meg,
I enjoyed touching your soul last night, but unfortunately it didn’t work for me, so I’ll have to say no. I get a lot of woman-soul and can only use a fraction of what I get, so please understand that this “No” most likely means “Not Quite the Right Fit,” not “No Good.”
Thanks for thinking of me as a possible home for you.
Dear Meg,
Thank you for dating me. I am a little perplexed by your personality. The subjects you talk about indicate “Mom’s Friend” has too long been your role in life, but your kisses are more like “A Winning Team.” Did I miss something?
I’ve decided to pass on you this time. You just aren’t exactly what I’m seeking with this issue. Good luck elsewhere, and please consider me again.
Meg,
Thank you for sending your warmth and adorableness to me here. I am sorry this particular needs-episode (with emphasis on “this particular”) was not selected for further exploration. I hope you will send more lust soon, though. I could not continue without the many fine lustings I receive. And while I regret that the large number of women makes it difficult to respond personally, I want to stress that I personally like your energy. Devoted women-testing is part of my manly mission; it is also a very personal one.
Dear Meg,
I regret to say that you do not suit my look and feel at this time. I hope you’ll try again soon. I’ve been loving women since 1982 and it is women like you who keep me loving women like you. Without sexy women, I’d no longer exist. Please spread the word!
—Story is republished here with author’s permission from her Facebook
page (10 August 2018), and first appeared at Fictionaut dot com (September
2011).
is the author of four collections of flash fiction, and one award-winning collection of prose poetry, Cellulose Pajamas, which received the Blue Light Book Award in 2016. Her writing has been widely anthologized, most recently in The Best Small Fictions 2018, edited by Aimee Bender (Braddock Avenue Books), and in two Norton anthologies of flash fiction: Flash Fiction International and New Micro. Her recent work has appeared in Electric Lit and Tin House. She is the founder of New Flash Fiction Review and co-founder of San Francisco’s Flash Fiction Collective reading series and serves as Festival Curator for the Flash Fiction Festival, U.K.
